Titless fairytale

Once upon a time in a far away land there was an old lady walking alone on a dusty road dragging a huge red shiny bag. The old lady was hitchiking but all the cars passed by without stopping. The lady was about to lose all the hope to get help when suddenly a tractor appeared on the hill. On the tractor there was a young farmer with yellow sunglasses and broken shoes. The tractor stopped and the farmer said: »HOWDY HOW old lady, do you need help? Where are you going?«
The lady answered : »oh, my son, how nice of you! I need to go to the top of that hill, to the Holy mountain, Svete gore!«
The farmer said: »howdy how that is really, really far away. But you are an old lady and farmers with yellow sunglasses should never say no to old ladies.«
The farmer helped the lady to step into the huge tractor and they left to Svete gore. They were about to arrive to the monastery when they saw a cow sleeping in the middle of the road. The yellow sunglasses farmer stepped down to wake up the animal.
Waky, waky cow...
»MUUUUUUU«, answered the cow.
When he finally managed to free the way and returned back to the tractor, the woman was not there anymore. Only the huge shiny red bag was lying on the seat.
»Ow damn old woman! She did not even say thank you!«
Still complaining and moaning for what had just happened the farmer went on his way home. Once he arrived he knew not what to do with the red bag. He just threw it under the bed. He then forgot about it. The farmer had two sons and a really shocking wife with pinkish hair and really soft and gentle voice even if she was a little bit deaf. One day she was tidyng up the bedroom, when a really loud noise came from under the bed. But he continued sweeping because she could not hear it. The suitcase tried again to be noticed but again it failed. Then red lightening came out from under the bed and finally she noticed the bag.
»wooow«, she said. »Why do my husband always leave everything in the wrong place?«
She put the red bag out and realized that it did not belong to him.
»Mmmh it is not his. Bloody man, he is cheating on me! I will have a look into it.«
As soon as she opened the suitcase a powerful wind pulled her inside and she found herself in the middle of a muddy and dirty river. A fish jumped on her lap. He was colorful. Maybe too colorful for a fish. He was staring at her with his three eyes and with his mouth full of chocholate started talking:
»Bonjour mademoiselle! Comment ca va? Voulez vous a verre de vin??«
And the lady: »Whaaaat??«
The fish continued: »Awesame, wazzup! Do you want some wine?«
»Oh my god it is nine in the morning! I just want to know where I am!«
»Ridicolous! I can not explain to you because I am very busy now. I have to do some bureaucratic stuff,« and without saying nothing else he jumped back into the dirty water.
The lady was left alone by the river. She was confused and a little bit shocked. She started to look around and she could not recognize the place, because she had never ever seen such a place in the world. She could not even see the sky because the smoke was everywhere. It was hard even to breathe. There were mountains but they were made out of garbage. Even if she was almost deaf the unbearable noise of cars and maschines arrived into her ears. Suddenly the rain fell and she was surprised to see that every drop that was falling was acid and destroyed everything. She started looking for a shelter and ran into an abandoned grey building. The noise was getting louder and louder. She followed the noise and arrived to the very source of it. A big bald snoring man was lying on the floor.
She cried out. »O, my god! The reason of all this huge acoustic pollution is just a sleeping man!«
The sleeping man started talking in the dream and was saying a really wise thing:
»Kardesim, the world economic crises has taken over us but still there is a hope if we stay together.«
The woman poked him as to wake him up, but he turned to the other side and kept snoring. »ROARRRRRR.« Thinking she could not wake him up, because he was in a really deep sleep the woman went out of the building.
At the corner of the street sitting on a tire was a drunk accordianist.
He was talking nonsense like:
»I have 30 liters of home made beer to offer you! Will you come to my place to taste it?«
She thought that a pint of beer is always the perfect drink for a lady and she followed him. Once there she discovered that the beer was made out of Rotten apples and green jelly creatures and chewed chewing gum and something else that she could not give a name to.
She ran away in disgust and moved towards the river:
»Fish! I want to return home!!! Stop your paper work and take me home!«
All of a sudden a red Toyota corolla splashed into the river and nearly killed her. A crazy long haired boy came out of the car singing an “Alice in chains” song. He went pissing in the river stretching out his tongue to the side and making incomprehensible noises.
»Instead of pissing everywhere, take me home!!«
Ok, I will take you. But are you sure you want to get there?«
»Yes I do not want to stay here a second more in this awful polluted world.«
The boy was driving so madly and sped so much that they were almost flying at some points. From that height she could see people rushing everywhere all dressed in depressing colours, walking fast and alone without talking or stopping. It looked like a robot world. Then the car stopped in front of a big building and the driver simply kicked her out of the car.
»This is not my house!«
She cried out loud. But the driver was already gone. She had no choice but to enter and look for help. The view from outside was awful. The chimneys of this building were emitting a lot of black smoke and no ray of sun could reach this place. She knocked the door but nobody came to open. She tried again but still no answer. So she opened the door and could see nothing but piles of red shiny suitcases on assembly lines. She strated walking around~ the bags were all exactly the same as the one she found under the bed. She tried to open them all and to step into it. She even tried to jump in it. She wanted to get back from the same way she got in, but simply she could not. She got really angry and started to throw around all the stupid bags.
»What’s going on?«
»Howdyhow! What a mess here!« Said a tall short sighted curly man.
»Are you asking me whats going on?« You should tell me! Who are you? Where am I? Why am I here? What’s the date? Why are we surrounded by rad bags? Why fishes talk? Who am i?« asked the woman.
»Ok, ok, slow down,« said the man.
»First of all, I am not your psychologist. Now if you calm down, I can answer your easier questions. My name is Yuri but everyone has always called me Spitzel. You are in my luggage factory. Your factory????« A voice cried out. »My factory?« another man said. He was dressed in a rocky mountain style and started hitting Spitzel. »And what about the yellow glasses?« , said Spitzel.
»You told me that if I gave you our fathers yellow sun glasses you would have given me the factory!
Now you have the sunglasses and I have the factory. Its logical! But maybe you just don’t understand stupid brother.« The woman had an epiphany: »Oh my sons! Fighting on silly things!«
The siren of the police was near. A police woman entered the factory and said :
»I had complaints from the neighbours. Something really noisy is happening here!«
All of a sudden the two brothers appeared to agree on something.
»Yes it’s her fault!«
The police grabbed her and put handcuffs to her wrist and took her away. The two brothers just went on fighting about the factory and sunglasses. In the prison while waiting for the trial, she met an interesting jailmate.
He was wearing two caps, one with Germany and other New York written on it. He was always in really deep and abstract conversation, even when not required. But even if he was maybe a little bit boring he was the first person to communicate with her. She explained to him all the strange things that happened to her. The painter who really wanted to help her, explained his story too.
»I also come from where you come. I am a painter. All my life I have been drawing everything that comes to my mind. One day I was thinking about the future and I imagined it like a hopeless world, where the evil rules and nobody cares about each other. I painted it. But as joke of the destiny I ended up into what I painted. Now I am here stuck in this gray world. I don’t even know the reason why I am in this prison but you have a chance to go back.«
»Haaaaa?? Repeat the last sentence. I couldn’t hear you.«
The painter said louder: »you have the chance to go back.«
»So what can I do? And speak up please when you tell me.
You are the chosen one. You will be the first woman to become the president of USA. You will sign the Kyoto Agreement. But don’t forget. The first point of your plan is to shot Berlusconi and Putin. It’s easy, they are always together.
Ah, and do not forget to give a Statue to poor Catalonya.
And another thing, build a youth hostel in Bistrica ob Sotli.«
The woman wanted to say something but the painter continued:
»Now you paint a door on the wall, you have 2 minutes and one colour without questioning.«
She drew the door, and the painter pushed her into it.
»KIKIRIKI«, she woke up at the sound of the roaster. She found herself lying in her bed. Quickly she had a look under the bed and in the darkness she could see a red shiny bag.

The end